Springtime a time of rebirth, a time where the world is in bloom, the world renews. And I cry, often, tears come at the most unlikely times. The smell of lilacs in bloom, the hostas peeking up from their winter sleep all bring tears. And then there is the surprise lily, the one my Mom gave me, the one that each spring since we bought the big ole house that I lovingly named "our lady of the falling plaster" peeks out at the first hint of warm sunshine. And that lily brought me to gut wrenching tears as it peeks up this spring, once again spring is here, once again Mom is not, she isn't here to share in the springtime, to sit in the kitchen in the sunshine and laugh over coffee and stories of "her boys" . I cry when I think of the garden at the "new" house she helped pick out the flowers for, the house that she and I had so much fun picking out the perfect yellow bowl for the kitchen, the fabric for the curtains that never got made, because she is gone, she is not here to help prod me along to make them...its not my home anymore, I don't live there, the yellow bowl now sits in the kitchen of the old house and it looks out of place, it doesn't belong here, it wasn't meant to be this way. Don tells me the flowers are all coming back life renews and I cry because they are going to bloom without me, without Mom.
This spring I am working to make this old house mine, to decorate and plan and dream of what it can be. I watch the slow progression of an old porch that had rotted from the inside out, I watch the contractor work to save as much as he can of the original beautiful parts, to see the value and beauty in those old railings and woodwork, to rebuild and add new beauty. I look forward to how beautiful it will be with its old railings and new copper roof. And as I watch it in the back of my mind I work to quiet the little voice that says...this is not the way its suppose to be.... I mourn the loss of Mom, the loss of the life that was suppose to be and I mourn knowing that this is probably my second moms last springtime and I cant be there to share it with her, that life keeps me away. And it hurts, it hurts a lot. It hurts to realize that I cant be there for everyone all the time, only one can do that and I find comfort in knowing He is with those I can not be with.
And yet among the tears there are happy tears too...the successful open heart surgery, the little one who seems impatient to meet the world but so far is staying safe and sound in the safety of her/his
mommy's womb. I am happy for my daughter in laws promotion, for the many blessings that each day brings me. I am thankful for little boy snuggles and smiles, for I love you gma and giggles. I am thankful that in all the struggles , personal and private there is hope and there is love and those things get us through the darkest days, the biggest challenges. I am thankful for my children who show me what amazing adults they have grown into, with hearts full of love and compassion. So among the tears and grief I cling to the smiles and laughter and most of all the love that surrounds me as I make this unpredictable journey.
